


worse than other times

by thisisnotwhatihadplanned



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen, Loneliness, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-12 22:54:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20572274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisnotwhatihadplanned/pseuds/thisisnotwhatihadplanned
Summary: thank you for reading!





	worse than other times

The empty arena was perfect for games. 

It was until Tyler's stomach twisted in shame. 

He was used to light teasing from his friends and coworkers, it was just how they communicated. Jokes were never taken seriously. But then they hit a nerve. 

Teams were being divvied up for their own version of kickball. 

Naturally, he and Josh were team captains. This meant he couldn't choose Josh, and Josh couldn't choose him. 

"Mark."

Mark was a good kicker, and he was funny. 

"Hoo boy. No thanks. I'm on Josh's team." 

They all laughed, Mark giving Tyler a rough pat on the back as he crossed over to the drummer's team. 

Tyler laughed along, in confusion.

If he shrugged of Mark's pat a little early he'd deny it. 

Josh gulped down his coffee. 

"Uh, Tim." 

Josh beamed. 

"Come over here buddy." 

They did one of those rediculous bro hugs, nearly spilling Josh's iced coffee, and then it was Tyler's turn again. 

"Brad?" He could hear the hesitation in his voice. He hated it.

Whst was wrong with him? Just play the damn game Tyler. He controlled his emotions. Not the other way around. 

It wasn't much of a pep talk, but it got him out of his head long enough to hear the tail end of Brad's sentence. 

"...yelled at again? No thank you."

Josh looked over at his friend. Usually he'd be talking right now. Joking about how they were missing out on being the winning team. 

Josh shot him a questioning look. 

Tyler shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. 

He wasn't pouting.

.

The hatch keeping Tyler's heart visible was slowly closing. If it had its way he'd be entirely closed off right now. 

But still he pried it open and stuck a stick at the mouth for interviews and parties.

Mostly for Jenna and Josh.

He couldn't deny the fact that he was lonely. Apparently he was too competitive. He took things too seriously. He wasn't fun to be around. 

Too loud 

too quiet 

too fake 

too real 

too old 

too young 

too vulnerable 

not vulnerabe enough

too energetic 

too lethargic 

too particular

too insecure 

too confident.

It goes on, endlessly contradicting. 

He was lonely. Tyler was lonely wrapped around his wife at night. He was lonely laughing with Josh. 

And it was his fault. His hands hurt with this realization, sitting at a bar in a city he couldn't remember the name of. He had it written on a sticky note for the show. 

He wanted to throw up his fame and put meaning back into his gut. 

Second guessing himself was exhausting. Who did he want to be today? What walls would he have to put up to keep himself sane? Four fans had already spotted him tonight, and they'd analyze every part of an interaction that already made Tyler nervous. 

What did they expect of him? Hugs? Pictures? Smiles? Encouraging words? 

And how much control did he get over the impromptu interview? 

His eyes burned. If a tear slipped out it could be blamed on alcohol (he didn't drink). But most other people did in bars, funny how that works. 

Josh laughed loudly beside him. Tyler gave up trying to follow the conversation beside him a long time ago. 

The clamshell armor around his heart snapped shut. No one was going to know him. No one could critisize him then. 

His throat felt full then. Like choking. It was a familiar feeling. 

He was back. 

Tyler slipped off the stool and headed outside. No one would miss him. He pitied himself and no one wanted to be around that, especially at a party. 

He pulled his hood up so he wouldn't be recognized and started the trek back to the bus.

.

"Tyler come explore the city with us."

Jenna bumped her knees against the side of his desk chair. 

He wouldn't be missed if he skipped. 

But he wanted to see the city. 

"Okay." 

.

"I'm sor-sorry I'm cold Josh. I just."

Tyler grabbed for something in the air, perhaps the words to express himself. Instead he laid his head on Josh's shoulder. 

"So mean. Ugly." 

"Tyler." 

"Josh." 

Josh rolled his eyes. He'd seen Tyler cry more times than he'd cried himself, and Tyler's ability to make jokes when he felt miserable was... admirable. Strange, but who hadn't done the same, in their heads? 

"You're good. You don't have to be uncomfortable. You don't owe any of them a thing. And if you're lonely come to me and we'll figure it out."

"Bu-"

"And none of that bullshit about your feelings not being my responsibility. I know they aren't. But I love you and I want to help, if you need me." 

Tyler's body was pulled taught by the stress. 

Josh sensed this.

"Relax. You're not doing anything wrong." 

Tyler wasn't doing anything wrong. His existence wasn't wrongness. 

"Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
